“A Pleasure to Have in Class” The Dark Side of People Pleasing

You’re walking down a busy sidewalk in your city or town and a group of rowdy teens is coming your opposite way, jumping, laughing, and messing around with each other. You’re going to bump into them, until one girl notices you. 

“Hey guys, move over, we need to let people go past!” She chides her friends, and they all scoot to the side and let you pass. 
“How thoughtful,” you think as you continue on your way.

An elementary student is always the first to volunteer to help the teacher pass out papers. If her friends need help, she is the one to take them to the nurse’s office, tie their shoes, or share a pencil. She wins the award for good citizenship in her class. When her teacher meets for her parent conference she tells the child’s guardians, 

“Your child is a pleasure to have in class. Everyone loves her.”

An adult works in a busy corporate office. He is always on time for meetings, he takes the notes, and if someone is struggling with a project, he will stay up all night to help them deliver a perfect performance to the boss.

“You’re an integral part of the team, I don’t know what we’d do without you.” His supervisor praises him.

On the surface, these people are well liked by their peers, successful, kind, and conscientious. But ask each one how they’re doing on an emotional level, and you will hear a different answer:

“I can never relax; I need to make sure everyone around me is happy.”

“If someone is mad at me, I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“I didn’t get any sleep last night because I was working on that invitation for my boss’ party.”

We’re talking about the dark side of people pleasing today. Children, teens, and adults, who appear to be functioning successfully in the world, but at the expense of their own needs, feelings, and desires. In this post we’ll cover what people pleasing is, how it can quickly become a never-ending stressor, and how to end the cycle and develop healthy boundaries and habits.

What is People Pleasing?

People pleasing is not an actual diagnosis or mental health condition, but rather a behavioral pattern that many people find themselves performing. People pleasing often means seeking others' approval or validation. You might see it with someone who goes out of their way to write a perfect report and only feels relief when their boss or teacher praises them for their work. Or in more mundane situations such as suggesting a restaurant or movie to watch, but when others have negative views on it, immediately changing their opinion to fit in with the group.

People pleasing can also look like putting others needs and expectations before their own. Often people pleasers will want one thing, such as a promotion or to not go to the expensive overseas wedding of their second cousin who they’ve never met, but they are afraid to express their wishes for this because it might upset others around them. People pleasers might know that their boss is wrong about the new campaign going out or that their spouse needs to unload the dishwasher, but they won’t bring it up to keep things moving along smoothly, to everyone's detriment.

The Dark Side of People Pleasing

To get along in social situations, we all have to offer some give and take. However, most people pleasers just give and give at their own expense. There is not a balance to their social interactions, which others around them may find beneficial, but leaves the people pleaser struggling. Other negative side effects of people pleasing:

1. Burnout and Resentment
   Since people pleasers work so hard to give others what they want, they often deplete their own resources. To make matters worse, many times people pleasers won’t tell other people that they’re starting to become tired, or overworked, they just keep performing, leading to resentment of their family, friends or coworkers who don’t know what they need.

2. Unhealthy relationships
   As the name suggests, most people love people pleasers, they’re easy to get along with and helpful! However, that can also attract people who exploit them or take advantage of their kindness and selflessness. This can lead to toxic relationships that are one sided or unhealthy for the person doing the giving.

3. Feelings and self-worth based on others' opinions
   Validation and acceptance are so important to people pleasers, that when they are rejected, it can tank their own self-worth and lead to anxiety and depression. No one likes to fail a test or get bad feedback from a boss, but it can send people pleasers into a spiral of despair and worry.

4. Loss of self
   When someone is constantly people pleasing, they lose sense of their own authentic self. They stop checking in with what they want, how they feel, and what matters to them. 

How to Break Free from People Pleasing

People pleasing can be a tough habit to break. First, many experts believe that it might be a biological drive from the ancient days of humans when we depended on each other for survival. To get rejected from the group could mean life or death, so people pleasing was actually a survival skill.

In modern times, society is still more likely to reward someone who is always working hard and goes above and beyond to be amenable. People pleasing is also often ingrained in cultural expectations. Many people, especially those who identify as female, have been conditioned from an early age to take care of others first, be helpful, and be viewed as easy to get along with. Some cultures also have strong views of how to treat others in a courteous way that engenders pleasing people. All of this can make it challenging to end the cycle of people pleasing and be authentic to yourself. However, with practice and time, people can start to set boundaries and honor their own needs!

1.Be aware of your people pleasing behaviors
The first step is to get curious about when you are people pleasing. Do you do it more at work? With certain family members? Notice thoughts and feelings that come up when you say yes to a task. Was this something you really wanted to do, or were you more afraid of upsetting the person asking you to do something? You don’t need to judge your behavior here, just notice it.

2. Set boundaries
Once you have an idea of what might be your people pleasing triggers, it’s time to set some boundaries to protect your wants and needs. Some helpful questions to ask the next time your coworker asks you do run a report for them, or your mother wants you to attend your great great great aunt’s birthday party:

·         Am I saying yes because I genuinely want to help, or am I seeking approval?

·         Are my actions aligned with my values and priorities?

·         Am I neglecting my own needs in favor of pleasing others?

3. Be kind to yourself
Being a people pleaser often means getting validation from others around you. When you start to put up boundaries, people may have strong feelings and opinions on your decisions. Notice your own wants and desires and give yourself the validation for taking care of yourself instead of always others. Treat yourself as kindly as you would anyone else in your life, allowing for rest and relaxation in your own life.

4. Develop the ability to say “No”
“No” is a complete sentence.” Annie Lamott famously said. For people pleasers, this can be tough to say! Practice saying no to smaller requests, like buying someone a coffee when you just want to skip the stop on the way to work, and if you need to start off with a small justification, that’s okay too. “I can’t pick up your coffee today, I have a lot of work.” The more you practice saying “no” the easier it gets. With time you will be able to tell a friend, “No, I can’t do that.” for even the big asks like time and money, with no need to explain or justify your choice.

5. Get support from a mental health therapist
Changing behaviors is hard. Changing behaviors that normally got praise and gratitude from others around you, can be even harder. A qualified licensed professional counselor or therapist, like the ones at Reflect Therapy in Houston, Texas, can help you develop these skills. A therapist can help you notice patterns in your behavior, examine your true wants and desires, and learn those challenging but pivotal skills of setting boundaries and saying no.

So, the next time you get asked to dog sit the cranky senior dog who needs their diaper changed 6 times a day, but you really want to go on a trip with your partner, stop and ask yourself: what do I need here? If your coworker wants you to take on a slide deck that will cost you your sleep and quality family time, notice if that aligns with your values. Are you really wanting to help or are you people pleasing?

Giving up people pleasing can ruffle some feathers at first. But in the long run, it helps you take control of your life to do the things that bring you joy and energy and spend time with the people you care about.