Grief, Loss, and Change in the Holidays: 9 Tips From Therapists to Help You Through the Season
Over the past few weeks, we’ve been discussing how to manage the joyful, (but often stressful), season of the winter holidays, for children and for adults.
However, for many people, the holidays are not always a happy and heartwarming time of year. For those going through grief, loss, or transitions in their lives, season can actually feel like an emotional minefield, as they try to dodge triggering events or people. If you are mourning the loss of a loved one or dealing with changes in your family structure, such as a divorce or a family member moving out of the home, the holidays can be an intense time of sadness, loneliness, and longing for the way things used to be. You are completely normal if you don’t feel like celebrating the holidays like those around you! However, there are ways you can improve your mood as you navigate the difficult challenges, while still processing your loss. We have several tips to help you manage mourning and grief during the holidays.
Honor Your Feelings
It can be tough when everyone around you seems to be celebrating and joyful, to acknowledge that you may not be feeling so jolly. However, if you are going through any kind of transition in your life, it’s important to honor the very normal range of emotions you may be experiencing, from sadness, anger, guilt, resentment, or even relief. These feelings don’t define you as a person, they are simply a reaction to what you are going through. Allow yourself to feel them without judging or comparing yourself to others. The way you grieve and mourn the change in your life, is unique to you, and acknowledging your emotions is part of the healing process.
Set Realistic Expectations
If you have had a change or loss in your life, you might feel like you can carry on your normal traditions and holiday routines as if nothing has happened. Or you may want to pretend that everything is merry and bright and plow through with fun holiday events and activities. However, it’s important to be realistic about what you and your family are feeling able to do. Just because your neighbor or the social media influencer are hosting the perfect holiday meal does not mean that you have to if it’s not in your emotional budget. Likewise, you may want to reevaluate if current traditions are going to keep serving you now that the change or loss in your life has occurred. Be realistic that things may feel different this year, and you have the ability to alter plans to better suit you and your family’s needs.
Create New Traditions
On that note, re-evaluating your holiday traditions might help you notice that they are no longer creating joy and delight, but instead brining up painful memories or making the loss of a relative now more evident. While it is important to acknowledge those feelings, you can also use this time to create new traditions that will serve your family. It could be as simple as making a new holiday dish together or reading a new holiday story. You or your family could volunteer in the community or give a gift to a child in need. There are many ways to build new family rituals for your holidays that mark the transition in your lives, but still bring joy and connection in a meaningful way.
Share Your Memories
It can be helpful to process grief and loss by sharing memories of old times. If you have lost a loved one and feel ready, sharing your favorite memories with other people who loved that person can help you feel connected to their memory. If you’ve had a child move out of the home or you are going through a divorce, connecting with Empty Nesters or joining a group for Divorcees can help you connect and know you’re not alone. If you're an adult child coming home for the holidays and struggling with the changes in the holidays since you’ve aged, talking to your family and friends can help ease the transition and help you express the feelings you’re experiencing. Even just journaling or creatively expressing your memories and feelings can be an outlet for the memories and thoughts you need to process to manage the holiday changes.
Practice Self-Care
As we always say around here at Reflect Therapy, self-care doesn’t mean a bubble bath and candles, (though it can, if you enjoy that!) Grieving any loss or transition during the holidays can be emotionally draining. Practicing self-care simply means that you are taking care of yourself. Whether it be by getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, or making sure you spend time doing an activity you really enjoy (reading, watching a funny show, getting coffee with a friend, walking your dog- even these small things count!) is all self-care. Caring for yourself is so important when you are going through an emotionally challenging time, and it’s necessary for healing when dealing with grief and loss.
Planning Ahead for Tough Events
This is a form of self-care. If you know there are certain events coming up in the holiday season that are going to be so emotionally triggering or draining that it’s going to be too challenging for you to regulate yourself, you can consider skipping them. Maybe you used to always do caroling with your ex-spouse or you attended religious services with the loved one who passed. These can always wait for next year, or perhaps, as mentioned earlier, it’s time to reevaluate if this event or tradition serves you and your family. Communicate with the people involved with these events if you need to pause on them, or if you plan to attend, but might need to leave early if things get too overwhelming. Remember you are in control, and you can honor your needs in these situations.
Memorialize a Loved One
If you are dealing with death and loss this holiday season, it can be helpful to take a moment to honor and remember the individual who has passed. This can be as simple as lighting a candle, saying their name at your holiday dinner, or even getting creative and making a holiday decoration to remember them. This type of activity can help you feel connected to the loved one you lost and keep their memory alive each year. However, for some people, the grief may be too painful or fresh to do this, and that is a normal part of the healing process. Be aware of where you are at in your grief journey and honor your emotional capacity.
Find Gratitude in the Small Moments
When going through grief or loss, it can be difficult to feel that things could be joyful and lighthearted again. Your pain is valid, but it can be helpful to remember that there are still good and positive things in your life. Focusing on the little things you are grateful for, from the first sip of a hot drink on a chilly day, to enjoying the sparkling lights at night, to a snuggling pet or child, can help you stay connected to yourself during the challenging moments.
Talk to a Mental Health Professional
Grief and loss are some of the hardest human experiences and can especially feel isolating around the holidays. Talking with a mental health professional, like the therapists at Reflect Therapy, can give you a safe and nonjudgmental place to explore your emotions and learn coping skills to help you understand and manage your healing.
The holidays can be a painful time of year if you are going through a transition in your life, grieving a loss or working through changes. Everyone around you may seem carefree and joyous, while you are just trying to make it through the day. Give yourself the time and space to work through the complicated feelings that may arise and take care of yourself every day. Try some of these tips to manage the intensity of your emotions during the winter season and remember that you are not alone. There is support available to help you, like the therapists at Reflect Therapy in Houston, Texas. Grief is a difficult journey, but you don’t have to walk it alone.